Understanding Suicide: Why It’s Not Selfish - and Why We Need to Talk About It Differently

Moving beyond stigma, fear, and silence to create a culture of compassion, awareness, and genuine listening.

Disclaimer

I am not a doctor, therapist, or healthcare professional.
Everything in this piece comes from my own lived experience - both of navigating suicidal ideation myself and of being alongside others who have been there too.

This is not medical advice.
It’s an honest reflection - written to help shift the way we think, talk, and feel about suicide.
Because the way we talk about it can save lives - or silence them.

Understanding Suicide: Beyond the Myths, Beyond the Fear

Suicide becomes a spiral of despair and desperation.

There’s a point where you don’t actually want to die - you just can’t sit with the feelings you have. On some level, you know you need to get through them, but at the beginning, you rarely have the words or even the understanding to explain.

You know you don’t want to die, but you can’t see any way to survive with the pain you’re in.

And yet, many of us believe that if we were to “just say” we want the pain to end, people wouldn’t take it seriously. So we use the word suicide - and that word alone often makes people panic or get angry, both reactions rooted in fear and confusion.

When we don’t have the education or language to understand suicide, we’re more likely to get it wrong - to react from our own discomfort rather than empathy - and to make the situation worse without meaning to.

Fear, Responsibility, and Reality

You cannot be responsible for someone else’s decision to end their life.
That action belongs to the person and the pain that has overtaken them.

But collectively, we are responsible for preventing people from reaching the point where they feel there’s truly no other option.

Because suicide is not selfish.
It’s not weak.
It’s not attention-seeking.

It’s the end of a very long battle - the result of being too strong, for too long, and feeling entirely alone while doing it.

The Pain of Being Misunderstood

One of the most unbearable parts of suicidal despair is the feeling of being misunderstood.

For me, the moments I’ve felt most suicidal have been when I’ve felt most unseen by the people who love me most. They’re trying to help - but their help often deepens my sense of isolation. It’s not because they don’t care, but because they’re scared, or don’t know what to do.

We need to start talking about that fear - and how it shows up - before it costs lives.

The Hard Truth About Help

When we talk about “help,” we often see it through our own lens - because that’s the only one we have. Every life experience shapes how we view support.

Even people with similar experiences to ours live them differently. So we can never truly know exactly what another person needs - and that’s okay. What matters is staying curious, compassionate, and humble.

We don’t need to understand someone’s pain to sit beside them in it.
We just need to be willing to stay.

The Role of Ego

The biggest barrier we face when trying to support someone who is suicidal is often our own ego.

We want to help. We want to fix it. We want to be the person who says the right thing.
But suicide leaves no space for self-gratification.

When someone is in that dark place, they’ve lost all sense of perspective, purpose, and insight. Their brain becomes a distorted echo chamber where everything feels hopeless and unbearable.

In that state, guilt-tripping someone - “think of your family,” “how could you do this to us” - doesn’t bring them back. It pushes them further away.

Because their brain doesn’t interpret it as love.
It interprets it as proof.
Proof that they are a burden. That they’re bad. That everyone would be better off without them.

When Logic Doesn’t Land

We tell people what they have to live for: their friends, their potential, their future.

And from the outside, that makes perfect sense.
But from inside that spiral, it doesn’t.

I’m not a stupid person. When I’m well, I can see the positives in my life - the people who love me, the things I’ve achieved, the difference I make.

But when I’m in that place, none of that feels true.
And when people remind me of it, it doesn’t comfort me - it crushes me.

It makes me feel guilty for not being able to feel it.
It makes me believe I’m ungrateful, broken, a burden.

And that belief becomes another reason to want to die.

I know it hurts the people around me, too. I’ve been on both sides - I know the sting of trying to help and feeling like it’s not enough.

Moving Forward

This isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness.

Suicide is not an individual failure - it’s a collective warning sign that our systems, our education, and our culture are failing people in pain.

We need to talk about it differently.
With humility.
With curiosity.
With compassion that doesn’t need to be understood to be real.

Most of all, we need to really hear what people are saying - before it’s too late to listen.

Because most of the time, people don’t want to die.
They just can’t find a way to live with the pain they’re in.

If you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out for support.
In the UK, you can contact Samaritans on 116 123 (free, 24/7) or text “SHOUT” to 85258 to speak to someone right now.

Tags: #SuicidePrevention #MentalHealthAwareness #LivedExperience #TraumaInformed #CreativeActivism #LegallyDetained #RawNotRomanticised