The Hidden Curriculum of Success: Neurodivergence, Ambiguity, and the Mental Health Cost of Unspoken Expectations

Hi my names Hannah and I’m in my 2nd year of a performing arts degree and I’ll be honest I spend the majority of the time at university feeling totally inadequate. Now don’t get me wrong I love my university and my course - this is no defamation to either but I think feeling totally inadequate is something we don’t talk enough about. Before I go any further I can hear people saying welcome to performing arts that’s going to be the feeling for the rest of your career. Don’t worry I know, but what I want to talk about is actually something slightly different. The university I go to is very different, which I love, but it also brings its own unique challenges. Now while it’s university that sparked me to want to share this - it definitely isn’t something which is isolated to me and my course. I think this is something potentially many of us can relate to and therefore if this helps one person feel less alone, it’ll be worth sharing!

Before I came to where I currently study, I went to a mainstream drama school and while there were some serious systemic problems and major issues one thing was pretty simple to understand and that was what success looked like. Now though I don’t agree with that binary way to succeed, and I definitely couldn’t actually achieve it, was never given opportunities which in turn had a severe impact on my mental health it was at least easy to see how to achieve success within such an institution. In my present situation I’m faced with a different conundrum - and one which is potentially having an equally big effect on my mental health and sense of worth. And this I feel replicates much more easily into real world situations. In the real world it seems almost impossible to work out what is needed for success. It can appear like two people can do the same things and for some reason one person achieves ‘success’ in the eyes of the world - and with that opportunity and yet the other can seem to remain stuck or worse still feel othered. Unlike mainstream drama school where everything weights on a single audition, in this present situation they say every moment is an ‘audition’ - a bit like life but personally I find this incredibly hard and also confusing. In part because within everyday life there isn’t the opportunity to share certain skills or abilities and without the opportunity to do such things, these talents can remain hidden for much of eternity. I also feel like an insect under a magnifying glass forever under scrutiny meaning the pressure is enormous all the time leading to never truly being able to show my best or quite frankly anything. It’s also so hard when you do work hard, do your best, people tell you you’re doing so well and that they are proud of you and yet this doesn’t translate into opportunities. You watch other people get endless opportunities while you don’t get any. Please understand this isn’t about bitterness or jealousy, it genuinely is not. It comes from a state of confusion. One that I think many neurodivergent people can probably relate to and one that has an inherently negative impact on your sense of self, your worth and abilities.

I never thought I’d say this but the mainstream system almost made more sense - not in that it was right or that I agreed with it but in that as stupid as it is I could process how it worked. Whereas now I feel how I used to in school, confused as to how to achieve. Mixed signals and messages  leave me feeling constantly inadequate yet those around me are confused as to why. It’s also something I can’t articulate or question due to fear of being perceived as ungrateful, jealous or wanting opportunities without working for them. None of which are the case at all - I just have no idea what I’m meant to do!

It’s weird as for a number of years now I felt I had finally cracked the code - I’d worked out the system. In my life, in my work, in my old drama school I knew the code sequence required for success. I knew what I had to show to the outside world to succeed and I also knew how I could internally adapt to achieve this. Recently I’d been feeling wobbly again and wasn’t sure why? Wasn’t sure why suddenly my sense of self-worth had cracked and after a lot of self-reflection this is what I realised. I find it hard when actions don’t match words - and don’t get me wrong I don’t think anyone is doing anything malicious - I fully imagine this is an autistic miscommunication but one that I doubt I am alone in. It’s also one that, due to the way my brain works, I immediately need to try and work out what it is I’ve done wrong, where am I failing and what is wrong with me. This leads to an increase of self-critical thoughts which in hand leads to a spiral into believing people hate me. My head goes to the fact that though people are telling me in words that I am doing so well because I am not chosen and not getting the opportunities there is something wrong with me, that I am a problem and a burden and in turn that means people hate me. Even when I try to verbalise this and tell people that I am trying so hard and that I don’t know what else they want me to do, all they then say is that there is nothing more you can do - you’re doing great. However, this doesn’t make sense as I still am not chosen or getting opportunities and yet I see other people around me getting those things and I just don’t understand why. It’s not that I’m not happy for them or think I should get them over them, it’s more I don’t understand what I have to do to get these things. It gets further complicated because when I ask people they will say I’m phenomenal/ amazing - people will say things like we couldn’t do it without you, you bring something really special but this doesn’t compute when all the extra stuff goes to everyone else. I can’t understand when those people who are getting the opportunities aren’t putting in as much effort – so does that mean you don’t need to put in so much effort? Or they are in trouble and yet seem to then get rewarded with the opportunities ( and I know we don’t know everything about others) but all this then adds to my confusion and inability to understand how things work which leads me to believe there is something wrong with me. I then blame myself – my mental illness, my neurodivergency and think there is no point trying as if these are what are being held against me being given chances then there is no point as these are who I am, they can’t change and therefore does that mean I’m too broken to achieve.

I’m an advocate and activist and I whole heartedly don’t believe this to be true - I actively fight against this narrative yet I seem to still remain caught in a system where this is the case. It’s something that isn’t talked about but I really think it’s something that we do need to be able to have frank conversations about. When opportunities go only to the same few it looks like favouritism, this is something which plagues our culture and runs deep within all institutions regardless of whether they are willing to admit it. It maybe something which can never be eradicated however even just acknowledging it, much like acknowledging unconscious bias, is the best way to tackle and address it. Favouritism is something we all succumb to but those who are unwilling to admit are the ones who are so often the worst perpetrators. I think this is something within performing arts which is incredibly prevalent and in some cases does make sense. It might not actually be favouritism - often someone is good, they are also reliable, unproblematic and so of course and rightly so they are going to be chosen again and again. This doesn’t confuse me, I can see the pathway and how they have achieved this. However if you don’t have the opportunity to prove yourself how can you show it. Equally if you do have an opportunity people say, see look you do have opportunities but still the people who are heralded as the most successful are the ones who have all the opportunities. People say you can’t have everything and I agree - but what is confusing is that some people are given everything and therefore do have it all yet others aren’t? Surely the rule should apply to all? And this is where the fundamental confusion lies for me. I agree that opportunities should be earnt, that you do have to in some capacity (&in a way accessible to you) prove yourself, be reliable etc. I also wholeheartedly believe where appropriate opportunities should be shared - you never know the talent hidden within someone until they are allowed that chance. I know that more than anything – it’s being given a chance that has allowed me the opportunity to finally show the real me. However what confuses me is that for some people this rule stands whereas for others it doesn’t. For some we have to share, whereas others get it all. In the same place. With allegedly the same rules. This is where my self-esteem starts to unravel because as much as somewhere can say it’s about the ensemble, that opportunities are always spread between everyone, that it’s important to let other people have a turn. When this is being seen to be only applied to 60 – 70% of the group. How do the other 30- 40% not seem to have to follow these rules? The question then is are they better? What do they have that I don’t? What do you need to do to get into the elite group? Because people say I’m doing really well but I still don’t make the cut for that elite group? So therefore I can’t be doing really well? Because if I was - I’d be in that group? So are people lying to me? Are they trying to save my feelings? Are they hoping this gets me off their backs? Gets me to go away? In my head this is a rejection so much worse than any other. Don’t get me wrong, being told you aren’t good enough hurts a lot, but being told you are good enough yet the actions saying the opposite is a different kind of pain and rejection. One which leaves you questioning everything? Questioning what you are missing? How bad you must be? How much of a problem you really are?

You spend your life trying to be enough in a system which can’t even tell you what enough is. It’s pretty exhausting. It’s pretty soul destroying. Trying to be enough for people who tell you, you are, yet show you, you aren’t. It’s confusing and it’s tiring. I have realised I have spent my whole life trying to be enough to everyone else but never myself. We all want validation to certain degrees, it’s a human trait. Yet this goes beyond validation, it’s about the core sense of my worth as a human being and therefore my ability to succeed in life. I have worked so hard in my life to achieve peace when it comes to systemic hurdles we all have to jump through. I think what has made this different and why it hurts more than anything is that when it comes to ‘inclusive’ spaces it feels like there shouldn’t be these hurdles. However I don’t think this is a failure on the inclusive nature of an organisation but more my understanding of ‘true inclusion’ isn’t what others may think it is. I think we often misunderstand true inclusion. When we look at inclusion in institutions it is two-fold. There is the art of inclusive practice and actual inclusion. When you look at an institution the processes can be truly inclusive and follow inclusive practice and yet not all the  people within that organisation are inclusive. By nature of following inclusive practice, an institution allows so many different walks of life, all a different stages in their own journeys which in itself means some people are not able yet to be truly inclusive practitioners. Also true inclusion by nature is almost always an impossible feat within an institution. By nature an institution has to have policies and procedures, systems and pathways that will therefore exclude certain people/groups. Humanity has as many different needs as there are human beings and therefore the idea of an institution however flexible they try to be, can never be somewhere for all people. There is a difference between being welcome to all and all are welcome. As well there is confusion around the idea of what inclusion means. Sometimes places are labelled as un-inclusive because they can’t cater for certain groups – now I find this a tricky conundrum because I whole heartedly believe everyone should have the opportunity to achieve what they want and that to do that they need the environment that best fits their needs however I don’t think that can or (controversially) should be the same place. I don’t think we should all be able to thrive in the same environment necessarily because that seems like an impossible feat. Yet I don’t think this should be dictated by diagnosis, socio-economic status, race, gender, sexuality, it should be much, much deeper than that. There should be institutions which are human based – that focus on achieving success in different ways and people can attend whatever one that works for them. None are better or worse – success and achievement in terms of a qualification remain the same but the way to get there and how that is shown is different. For me this is true inclusion. This allows us each to achieve our potential, within systems we understand and work in the way our brains are wired. It takes away the confusion of how success is achieved. Success is also not diminished because success does take hard work but what hard work looks like isn’t binary. This applies across so many different inter-sectionalities of our communities but one I want to highlight is specifically autistic girls/ women and non-binary people. I think these are a group that is most harmed by systems and situations like this. If I go back to why I started writing this and the university I am at – so many of the struggles I have mentioned are related I think to the fact I am autistic and therefore the way my brain is wired but also the fact that the way I present is not the way most people think autism presents. If we want to truly support autistic young people, I think we can take a lot from looking at this and analysing how it’s gone wrong for me and others like me specifically at my university – not due to either side doing anything wrong but from a understandable lack of understanding on this type of autism.

I have a PDA profile of autism as well as co-morbidities of combined type ADHD and c-ptsd. In general I don’t really present as autistic, to the point that even I myself would say I am ‘more adhd’. Yet in the past due to being undiagnosed c-ptsd, I presented more stereotypically autistic which confused even me and I am myself!! With greater understanding of my c-ptsd it has helped me understand myself and my autism so much more. I have a pda profile which means that I am like an autistic chameleon – I blend in, so well in fact that people forget I am autistic, this doesn’t mean I blend into appearing neurotypical – I definitely do not! But I also don’t fit in the generally understood ‘Autism’ presentation and therefore a lot of the strategies that support autistic people actually have the opposite effect. Because of the way my brain works, I am a ‘many layers of the onion kind of thinker’. I can ask why forever and I am a deep philosophical thinker – add in years of childhood trauma and I sadly have concrete evidence that backs up those deeper and darker thoughts. As a PDAer I have heightened anxiety, and an incredible imagination and levels of creativity, depth of thought but also severe aversion to demands and a want to be social but lacking the deeper understanding and skills to achieve this, whilst appearing completely competent and capable (often why PDAers make such phenomenal actors/performers!!). This all leaves us spiralling in our own thoughts, misunderstanding everyone around us and being misunderstood.

I think the issues around not understanding success at my university comes from my form of neurodivergence, the way my brain thinks and the way I present – especially the fact I use comedy to deflect (a very common pda trait!). The need to fully understand everything is more than just a nosey interest it’s actually a necessary adjustment to prevent complete spiral. When I say this I don’t mean other people’s business but in relation to myself I need full honest transparency. People with brains like mine – go at a million miles per hour and can analyse and reflect and then catastrophise and break as quickly as most normal people can forget a situation. This is not something that we will ever grow out of or something which can be supressed or ignored. In fact it’s this suppression that causes it to grow exponentially. Terms like ‘everyone is on their own unique journey’ are like fuel to a fire – this gaslighting actually exacerbates the situation and, quite frankly, is a cop out answer. Absolutely everyone is on their own journey however, that as an answer is using a neurotypical lens to view a neurodivergent shaped problem. You will never be able to truly see and grasp it, if you look through the wrong lens. While this same conversation with a neurotypical student may come from a place of jealousy, nosiness, an easy way out, competition etc, for a neurodivergent student it’s actually got nothing to do with anyone else – it comes from a place of them trying to make sense of the world, of how they fit in and what they need to do to succeed. Often one of the strengths of PDAers is our social intellect and our ability to read rooms and people's emotions better than most. The problem however comes is when we have to interpret these signals and when we also often may have a history of negative experiences – compounding the chance of a perfectly innocent situation being misread. What compounds it further and makes this the perfect catalyst for disaster is that we cannot articulate this without being judged as ungrateful, nosey, whiny or in other people’s business. This is the perfect storm of being gaslit into self-loathing and hatred, undermining self-worth and a belief that you are the problem, nothing you do is good enough and you will never be able to succeed.

When you ask people, they tell you are succeeding but you look around and what everyone else labels as success you don’t have, so you feel even more confused and othered. It truly does make you feel like you are going insane. It makes you question your sanity and your brain and it also stops you from using these immense talents for good. My university tell me I am amazing, talented, capable, bright and successful yet I feel totally inadequate, unwanted, a problem and a burden. As much as I try to tell myself they wouldn’t lie, I cannot shift the feeling. I then beat myself up more for feeling those feelings which spirals the situation even further.

It’s interesting because in other areas of my life I no longer have this and I think that partly comes from the autonomy of working for myself, freelance in a career where I make the rules, I define what success looks like to me. I give myself the space, creativity and freedom to define my own purpose in a space. This isn’t to say I can’t work in teams and within organisations but at its core I am my own boss and therefore my success is not dictated by anyone else. In actual fact when I am in more of a work position within my university or when I used to work at the school (an incredibly binary institution) I didn’t have these same issues – I think this comes down to the fact that on the ‘other side’ you have a much clearer picture of what is happening and therefore less guessing and in turn less space for misinterpretation. Don’t get me wrong there is a wider society view on success and I absolutely fall victim to this – I see fellow activists doing Tedtalks or winning awards, I see fellow performers get agents or peers being able to afford a house or start a family and there is the familial pang of comparison but I think what is different is that university is a goldfish bowl. University becomes a heightened environment where there are only so many spaces and the fight to fill them becomes all encompassing and the road to achieving this is shrouded in mystery. When we are in institutions, especially education – however good or different it is – we will always fall victim to this. I have started to think that education within any institution will never fundamentally work for me, but while that might sound depressing its actually totally freeing. I have realised that in acknowledging this fact – it might allow me to finish my degree, to gain the qualification I want and deserve and am capable of getting and then going back to the real life I am creating which in many ways actually suits me way more. I can imagine myself working in places, in fact I would relish the opportunity to work in inclusive education and can absolutely see that as part of my future however the student life is never going to be for me. It sounds bizarre to say as someone who has found life so ridiculously hard, but that real life is easier because I make the rules, I let the people in who I want to let in and I am in control more of my own destiny. I can make the pathway to my success – I don’t have to spend all my energy trying to figure it out only to be blindsided by watching that same path come to such a different outcome within an institution which claims fairness. I also think that by looking into this further we can help to support younger autistic pdaers to get through education and achieve the necessary qualifications to allow them this same freedom. I want to stress that this is different from a choice, laziness or lack of motivation. When we talk about true inclusion we must model this on equity not equality. When we look at supporting autistic pdaers we must have this same narrative. We need to stop gaslighting them with phrases which inherently do so much harm. If we want to support people we need to understand that we will have to do things differently and that what we might do to support one person we may have to do the opposite for someone else. We also have to acknowledge that supporting and following inclusive practice does take a lot of work, it involves a lot of troubleshooting and proactive problem solving. It involves a lot of talking, explaining, empathising and putting ourselves in other people’s shoes. To truly believe what someone says and to be able to hold it as true even if it is the total opposite to my own experience and views. We need to spend more time learning about how other people work to begin with as this saves so much in the long run. While some people may prefer less information, some need all information and to be an inclusive practitioner you have to be able to do both. It’s also the small things, the things which mean nothing to you, which can mean the whole world to someone else. Language, tone, actions – everything can be read and yes this sounds exhausting (imagine this being your every living moment), it sounds impossible and it is - but we are not asking for perfection, we are asking to be believed. We are asking for that extra explanation, that extra check in without having to ask for it, regular contact, positive reinforcement and understanding of how the world looks for us – just how we do for you. We spend our whole lived seeing things from everyone else’s perspective so much so that we forget our perspective matters too, so much so that we start to see ourselves through what feels like your eyes and in doing so makes us believe we are worthless. We spend our lives running on a hamster wheel, faster and faster trying to keep up, trying to do what’s right whilst feeling as though our existence on the hamster wheel we didn’t create is inherently wrong. We feel lost in rooms without a clear purpose, we read into every small action and blame ourselves, we are so hypervigilant and get blamed for being so but instead of an explanation, honesty and transparency we get told to think less, be grateful, be proud- but for us these are just words and the more you hear them the less and less meaning they have. The more they become empty promises, plasters on gaping wounds, something sweet to keep us silent. And whilst reading this you might say that’s not what you mean, this is what I mean by miscommunication because this is what is heard and felt. Autism is a communication difficulty and while for some this presents in the literal sense for others, it presents like this. So subtle it’s camouflaged to even the most observant eye. Misinterpreted even by the most astute ally. It’s not about either side being wrong or not doing enough, or what they are doing being wrong – both sides could be absolutely doing the right thing, wanting the best. What is happening is a problem in the translation of the actions. Not what is actually happening but the way it’s being communicated and interpreted and this doesn’t actually require either party to change their communication style, it really only requires one very very simple thing. An open, honest dialogue. One with no blame, not personal feelings, or neurotypical goggles. True honesty. It’s the one thing that forever boils my blood – being or feeling like I am being lied to or gaslit. I would rather hear the truth any day over something said to protect my feelings or because of fear of me not understanding. I already don’t understand – the truth is what clears my vision and yes I might not like the truth, but the truth in fact is something I can work with, otherwise I am left in the dark creating my own picture of what is happening which with my imagination and trauma history is almost certainly a hell of a lot worse than the truth itself!!