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Don't Kill Yourself

For those who don't understand will think this is obvious. But for those of us who do, know this can be the hardest thing to do. I get that. I've been there and sometimes I go back to that place. I felt this yesterday. Something happened, the final push in a catalyst of events. Pushing me right to the edge, that overwhelming feeling filling up my body. Such an intense and unignorable experience which is completely unbearable. It feels like hurting youself is the only thing that will make it go away. I can truly believe I can't face this world anymore, that I have nothing left to give and pain burning every inch of my body and mind. Sometimes it's a feeling of saddness or numbness- yesterday it was anger. Anger like I had never felt before. My autistic sense of justice screaming at me how unfair the situation was. My black and white thinking went straight to the permanent solution. I was so deeply hurt, it's a pain you can't describe. My anger bubbling up and my initial thought is to hurt myself. To take it all out on myself. Other's wrongdoing, ineptitude and antiquated views. I guess it's my neurdiverse brain, I don't know but it's horrible. Thinking about it makes me physically shake, unable to speak or function. As an autistic person I definiely feel things deeper than maybe some other people do. Words cut right through me, straight into my heart. I get into a mindset where it is all so impossible.

But no one is worth that. No one, especially people who have hurt you deserve that power of you ending your life. When that feeling encompasses you it can feel like the only answer. In that moment we can't see reason, we cannot see what we have or what we'd lose, we don't see the pain we would cause and the opportunities we'd miss. We are valid in that feeling, I get that pain. It's an indescribable pain and only one you could ever begin to understand when you have been in that position. No one can imagine it if they haven't been at that point. However I beg you to stay, just sit with it for a little while longer- suicidal thoughts will pass. I know it doesn't seem like it at the time, but they will. We have been there before and they have gone, maybe not fully but there have been more bearable times. Stay here for the memories you are yet to make, for the future you could create. Stay here to make a difference for others, so they don't have to go through the same experiences you did. Or if nothing else stay here out of spite- spite to all the people who have doubted you, have hurt you or tried to destroy you. Live out a long and happy life to show them they won't win. There are millions of reasons why you shouldn't kill yourself. I get it right now it doesn't seem like it. Sleep on it. Sleep on it and see what you think tomorrow. That video of the woman sharing her poetry about reasons not to kill yourself came up on my TikTok yesterday. I don't necessarily believe in a greater being or even fate but someone was sending me a message. In that moment as I decided I was done, I scrolled through the videos of ear wax removal, cute puppies, teacher tok and autisitc signs and there it appeared. I have heard it before but it spoke even more deeply to me.

Don't kill yourself because you don't know what tomorrow will bring, don't kill yourself because how would your pet understand where you had gone, don't kill yourself because then they win, don't kill yourself because you haven't experienced all life has to offer yet, because you have the chance to change others lives and stories, because you are worthy exactly as you are, because you haven't tried every food out there, because you haven't met enough inspiring souls, because you will miss the next hit netflix drama or tiktok drama, you won't see what crazy flavour walkers crisps will bring out. Don't kill yourself because your story isn't over yet, because you haven't acheived everything you are meant to, because you will never get to listen to the noise of birds waking you up in the summer, see sunsets over the ocean with a cold drink in your hand, that feeling you have after a summer day with friends. Don't kill yourself because as cliché as it sounds its a permanent solution to what is a temporarny problem, however much it doesn't feel this way. We only get one life, we are a long time dead- live while you can, knowing it will end for us all eventually anyway.

Life is special. It's a bumpy rollacoaster of a ride. The highs maybe high but the lows can be all so low. The anger I feel right now will pass. It doesn't feel like it, but I have to keep telling myself it will. That pain and torture will go and be replaced with joy and fullfillment which again maybe replaced by these feelings but each time, the feelings get slightly more bearable. The closer I get to understanding myself and my path in this world, the more I know these all encompassing feelings will leave. It's so hard as you feel so isolated and alone, that if you stay who do you have. I feel like everyone hates me, that when they don't reply to messages they wish I would just go away and everyone wishes you were dead. It won't be the case but even if it were you do have someone, you have you. Your unapologetic unique self. Battling some of the hardest battles to fight. Fighting your own brain, with your only weapon being your own brain is exhausting and can seem endless. As someone who has been there let me tell you this isn't the answer. We may feel broken, but we pick up the pieces, not rebuilding the oringal version, but a version which is different, better, it may have cracks- scars from our battles but it is stronger version of us. We shouldn't have had to be strong but we did it. We will continue to do it. The experiences getting to this point will be different for every single one of us- but nothing and no one deserves to be made to feel this small. Together we must raise up, together we can ride this wave. Don't fight the thoughts but ride them until they crash away, shattering into millions of pieces and letting you carry on. I am proud of you, I am proud of me too. If this situation had happened even a month ago, I wouldn't have been able to deal with it in this way. This is growth, I still feel it, the pain is still as unbearable and the want to go through with it just as strong however my resilience is pushing me through and probably my stubborness to prove everyone wrong. Live out of spite, show them not through anger but through your blossoming into a bigger and better person away from them. Grow your wings and fly, fly to your own island in which you are able to be you. You can do this, I can do this, we can do this. Your story will inspire others, you are valid and worthy as you are right now. Don't kill yourself, you are worth so much more than you will ever see but we see it.

; - a sentence which could have ended but chose to carry on.

We can do this :)


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