Hi there,

Where did 'Legally Detained' come from you may ask- it is after all a pretty wild name! Stuck in a Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit on a Section 3 back in 2019, it was actually another patient who suggested I bite the bullet and create a blog. The only name I could think of was Legally Detained, I loved it but thought others might think it was a bit much! However my fellow patient loved it and although it wasn't until a year later I actually created my first blog, here we are 5 years later and Legally Detained has grown. 

Back in 2019 I was a confused, scared and lost little human whose only goal in life was self-destruction. I felt no one understood me and I felt there was no hope of change. It's been a wild and rocky ride since then, I have been on a journey I could never have comprehended. I have stumbled onto a path I never even knew existed, leading me to doing things I never imagined possible. I wanted to create a space of unapologetic authenticity. A place of no set road, with people who are not afraid to tread the path less trodden.

Be a voice that the little me needed to hear when I was younger, to be loud about the things which matter and are important. Recently the blog has grown into my podcast (no longer) Legally Detained, a beautiful metaphor reflecting my own personal growth journey. 

Navigating life is something none of us are prepared for, yet in a modern society the comparison can leave us feeling further inadequate. Add in spending a long time locked away from society, institutionalised, growing up undiagnosed neurodivergent, and other events within childhood and navigating adulthood gets that bit more complicated.

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I want to preface this all with a disclaimer, I am not a doctor or medical/mental health professional- these are my my experiences and opinions on my situation. They are personal stories and experiences- it is important to remember that while I will always be honest, transparent and authentic- this is by far my whole story or the whole truth. I share an open, honest, raw truth of life however there are many layers to me, my story and to all people. There are lots of reasons why I don't share many things and its important to remember that when reading or following anyone elses journey. While it may look like I 'put it all out there' this is by the far the truth- I want to share my real experiences and not glorify the difficulties I face but life is nuanced and people are complicated. I hope my openness and honesty helps others to feel less alone, to work in destigmatising mental health and neurodivergence and I can be a part of making the world a little bit of a better place, however please do remember there will always be aspects you don't know. That all being said here is some of my story, of how I got to where I am today.​

 

My path to this point in my life has been a difficult one, but one that drives my want to use creativity to empower social change. I grew up undiagnosed neurodivergent (I am autistic with a Pathological Demand Avoidance profile (PDA) and Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), this meant the mainstream system didn’t work for me, however being female, no one picked up on the struggles I worked so perfectly to hide.

. I also suffered abuse in my childhood and had a number of other traumatic events. My brain did not learn or work in the same way as my peers, I couldn’t really make friends and the very few I bumbled alongside never lasted very long. At 9 years old I developed an eating disorder and began having suicidal thoughts. For me the world was a confusing and scary place. I struggled to fit in and understand the world- I felt I was not given the handbook everyone else had to society and the rules to exist. I thought I was broken, damaged and fundamentally not good enough. I had been anxious my whole life and just after my GCSE exams it all crumbled around me. My mental health deteriorated, the years of masking and trauma had led to burnout and a full breakdown. I was suicidal. I was done. I felt I had nothing left to give this world.

 

I then spent the next 4/5 years in and out of hospitals. I ended up in PICU (Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit) on constant observations (when some has to be with you at all times) due to the level of distress I was in- I was a revolving door patient, labelled difficult and too complex. I was told there was no hope and I would never change. It wasn’t until 2020, at 19 years old I was told I was autistic. The world of neurodivergence was opened and an explanation that I wasn’t a strange broken horse but a normal zebra (a section from one of my favourite quotes about labels). Of course, this wasn’t an overnight transformation but slowly over the next few years I educated myself, I learnt about autism, neurodivergence and I went on a journey of self-discovery.

. I did this through different forms of creativity. I began to use this as a way to express myself, a way to get lost, away from the noises of my own head. I used it to understand and investigate what neurodivergence meant to me. It allowed me to work through my own internalised ableism, my fear of being different and to cope with the constant discrimination and poor treatment by others. Unfortunately, during my time in hospitals, I suffered significant abuse which led to even more complex trauma and deep issues with trust. During my hospital stays I was subjected to neglect, abuse and mistreatment- this combined with my childhood trauma has resulted in C-PTSD (complex-post traumatic stress disorder). I was made to feel so broken, like a problem and a burden. I was repeatedly told I would never succeed. I had such a narrow idea of what success was from society and our school system. I believed success was this linear model. I forced myself to start 4 A levels in biology, chemistry, maths and psychology with the idea of doing medicine (to clarify there is nothing wrong with this, for some this is their success but success will look different for everyone!), something I never even finished the first year of. As the years went on, as I watch my peers continue to squeeze through the sausage factory which is our education system, learning to embrace the new freedoms of adult life- I looked on locked behind the doors of a psychiatric hospital and locked within the demons in my mind. Believing there was no way out or hope of a future. 

 

In the end I had a choice- the way I was going was only going to end up one way. I was scared but I quite literally had nothing to lose. For so long I felt unsure of my purpose, of what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t know who I was, I had spent so long hiding and masking I truly had no idea about the real me. This journey of self-discovery took many years, it started in 2020 and is still continues to this day. In truth the largest part of this work occurred for me this past year. I discovered that I have two massive passions in life, two things which drive everything I do. One being a love of performing and expressing myself creatively- this is something that massively helped in my journey to discovering who I am and the other which is the drive that gets me up each day, social change.

Creativity quite honestly saved my life. As much as that is such a cringey and cliché thing to say, the power of creativity is one we too often underestimate. Through the trials and tribulations of life so far one of the biggest positives I have found has been my love of creativity. In some ways I found my calling in creativity later on but it has been the tool I have used to discover the real me, navigate my challenges and now my weapon of choice in the battle for social change and justice. 

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Since 2020 I have worked with over 25 organisations in youth voice roles, on a wide variety of topics but the underpinning narrative of social justice (mental health, young people, neurodivergence, true inclusion). I have had so many different opportunities to contribute to social change. I have done presentations, public speaking, pitches, training, videos, been on youth boards, a young ambassador, written letters and rallied for change. Everything I do is led by my passion to create change within the mental health system, to fight the social injustices faced by those whose voices are unheard in the system and who are subjected to some of the poorest outcomes. I have been lucky to work with Mind in a variety of capacities including as a Youth Consultant, Young Journalist and Young Poet, Young Minds as a blogger, The National Autistic Society as a Young Ambassador, The Mighty Creatives on their Youth Board, The Mix, Beat and The PDA Society to name a few. I also hope that by being my authentic self, by sharing my life and by being open about my differences I help others to find their own identity and peace. 

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For me that peace has come in the form of creativity. I am a creative activist- actor, artist, activist, advocate, writer and musician. My creative practice is broad spanning performing, poetry, music, podcasting to name a few- but everything combines my two passions, creativity and social change. I find great sollace in performing and expressing myself creatively- this is something that massively helped in my journey to discovering who I am. When lost in art whether that be singing, music, drawing or a play, I am finally free from the world and able to express myself in the way I find best. I play the flute as well as number of other instruments and sing, I enjoy creating stories with the music and escaping the stresses of the everyday. I love performing in all aspects but I also love creating my own work. Using the power of performance to enact change and discussion. I believe that the arts have so much power, not just to create change, but to improve wellbeing, start discussions and bring people together. Creativity quite honestly saved my life. As much as that is such a cringey and cliché thing to say, the power of creativity is one we too often underestimate. Creativity takes so many forms it gives me the autonomy to investigate alternative methods of problem solving, communicating and expression. It is the way my brain is wired, a way of expressing the thoughts I cannot utter and my form of escapism to a place that just makes sense. Within creativity there are no rules or set answers but the freedom to be whoever I want to be. For so long I was repeatedly told I would never succeed. I had such a narrow idea of what success was from society and our school system. I believed success was this linear model. Performing has given me the freedom to learn who I am, my goals in life are forever moving but I hold onto my core belief in leaving the world a better place than when I arrived. In terms of my work, I am freelance and have worked with over 20 organizations in youth voice roles more recently combining this with the arts. I have facilitated a number of workshops in drama, dance, and art as well as featuring in a student film about an autistic film maker. I also write poetry and my poetry focuses on my experiences and speaking about change, and fighting against injustice. 

 

So what is Legally Detained- it started as just a place to share my thoughts as I tried to 'recover' and now I guess hard to define I guess, which pretty much sums me up!

 

This is a window into who I am, what I do and why I do it. It's a space to for me to share my thoughts, to showcase my work, to be a voice for a more equitable society and a kinder world.

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