We have such an age obsession which I think comes from pre-conceived societal expectation as well as probably our capitalist society. I have spoken before about my own battle with being ‘behind’ in life and starting things “late”. As much as I don’t believe there is a set time frame, it’s hard to not feel the pressure and judgement (even if it’s just from ourselves) when we do things out of the norm. As someone who has often felt embarrassed about my age, especially in relation to education- stepping back into education/uni was a very daunting prospect. I did it last year when I did my foundation in musical theatre however with that being drama school the age thing wasn’t really a thing. The age range was from 18-25, but with how competitive it is to get in, there didn’t feel like age mattered or held any weight. I think also for me I was so shell shocked, anxious and overwhelmed that I didn’t quite process what was going on around me! This year however definitely felt different.
I think there are a number of factors that go into this, first being the place I am attending the majority of my cohort being 18/19 and also many of them having done the btec before so know the place and the staff. I also think moving away plays another big part. By no means am I at 24 a ‘mature’ student but in terms of education I am classed as one- we all know people can go to uni at any age but there can feel like a big gap at least to begin with. I am only at the start of my journey so by no means have any answers but I wanted to write down my thoughts and feelings in relation to this as it’s something which I feel needs to be spoken about more. While most of these things bare no reality in real life, they are common feelings amongst those of us going through it. I definitely felt quite alone in this feeling but recently have been seeing a lot of TikTok’s showing I am by far not the only one.
Starting anything new is often very overwhelming and when moving to uni you have lots of new, new things all in one go! As a neurodivergent person with C-PTSD this is only heightened. Whatever age you are, many of us still have the same worries and fears. Add in these and we are in for a field day of overthinking, anxiety and meltdowns! For me as I am not in halls and nobody is on my course, I think that adds to the feelings of isolation and loneliness. I think for me that has been the biggest challenge starting uni as a young ‘mature’ student- the feeling of isolation and being alone. Loneliness is something I have experienced a lot but also as someone who finds socialising extremely exhausting, it has come as a bit of a surprise how the loneliness and isolation has hit me. I think this is where I have felt my age and the most out of touch with my peers. Doing a course which isn’t at a uni has both its positives and negatives- for me the positives massively out way the negatives but the biggest negative would have to be the initial lack of community. Don’t get me wrong I could not have survived halls or freshers and in the long run how I am doing it will absolutely work out for the best for me- I mean it already is, but the isolation is something I was necessarily expecting. I think it’s been this that has made my age stick out to me more as well as being neurodivergent/disabled and feeling as though I am not coping as well as those who are younger than me. Now don’t get me wrong, age is an irrelevancy, support needs vary and chronological age cannot be used as the barometer and that is before you get into the fact that everyone copes differently and ‘some people hide it better than others’. This is something I have heard a lot these past two weeks and something I guess I have struggled with a bit. As someone who used to be very highly masking to the point of complete burnout and years in and out of psych wards I have been the one to just ‘hide it’. I used to always hide it but now I can’t. However much I try I can no longer fix such a high-level mask. I can and still very much do mask a lot- but now even with all my effort people can still tell. They don’t mean it in a horrible way and they are often like it’s so good you don’t feel you have to hide it but I guess that is a bit of a double-edged sword. And then when you add being much older, it can definitely let the voice of not being good enough, weird, odd and different get very much louder.
Also, I think for me it’s hard as I am doing a performance degree which is very much mainly practical to feel I can show my abilities. Being a ‘mature’ student, I have done lots of things and had lots of experiences which very much relate to what the course is about but due to being so anxious and I am not able to participate and join in. I definitely feel I have lost a lot of confidence starting this course which has been tough. But also, I know internally I am more than capable, so far everything we have done or spoken about I have done in many different ways before but it’s as if I am locked within my own body. Afraid to let my walls down, afraid to show the real me, afraid to even enter the space mentally. As with everything it does come down to self-compassion, to remember to be kind to ourselves and that it takes time which is all very much true but doesn’t help in those moments where it all just feels a lot.
I am someone who can do things independently however it takes at least probably 5 times the work. I feel like I am on guard constantly, ready for fight or flight and that I can never truly switch off. It is truly exhausting and of course leaves us much more likely to tip over the edge even at the smallest things. Having a support system is vital, getting to know people in your new place and making staff aware of your access needs. But it will still be really hard, it will feel isolating and overwhelming but you will be okay. This is something I have to remind myself every single day sometimes multiple times! I know I am capable even when I don’t feel it but I also know that I do need to ask for help. Asking for help is hard, the narrative around going to uni can be one of that’s it, independence- you need to do it all yourself now and that doesn’t have to be true. Of course, everyone’s circumstances are different but I am lucky that I still have my mum- yes she is over 200 miles away but she is also only a phone call away. I am lucky she understands me and my difficulties and together we working out ways to help me cope. This maybe her sometimes coming and helping me clean, bulk buying food to name just a few examples. These don’t make me spoilt or any less capable or successful, support looks different to everyone and asking and taking help should not be seen as a negative. It’s this narratives which adds to disabled people feeling penalised and our independence decreasing.
For me having a safe space to come back to is essential and I am super lucky again that already my new room is well on the way to feeling like a safe haven. These things take time, but I have decorated to make it as me as possible with as many of my comforts as I could bring! For someone who home is not a place but a feeling I do think this is easier. All that being said, moving to London for uni has been the best thing I have ever done- and that’s only two weeks in and two really hard weeks at that! The feeling of independence, of being away from the places that are tied to so many memories, the opportunities, the potential friendships and experiences I may have. If I could just bring Beverly and the dog- it really would be perfect! That is something that I have realised that I very much miss the companionship of a dog and the anxiety relief they bring. A good reason to keep going so one day I can have a puppy of my very own!
This is very much just the beginning and I’ll update as I go along but its tough but I am almost certain it will very much be worth it. The first week I didn’t join in any of my classes, week two- one day when writing this, in my own way I joined in two classes. Baby steps but I have to remember where I have come from and what I have been through. We are forever our harshest critics but I am proud of you. I am proud of what you have had to overcome to get to this point. We will forever fall victim to comparison even if its subconsciously but when we clock ourselves, we have to remember that we are each individuals, with different experiences and different bodies which respond to any given situation in a multitude of different ways. It’s always hard to begin with but if we never begin, we never know where we will end up.
Lots of love Hannah xx
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